| I feel like the fact that alevels are finally over hasn't really sunk into me yet, it just feels so unreal that today would be the last day I would ever step into sajc in full school uniform- really the last day of my formal college education wow. 2 years has really gone by in such a flash and I would never admit this to anyone but walking around the school for the last time today with Rachel when I went to get my (haha, pratically non-existent) cca record from the general office I felt really sad that this was my last day as a student in st.andrew's but how it felt when I was walking out was almost no difference from when I first walked in, sad not because it was my last day in the school but sad because it was the last day and deep down I wish it had meant something so much more to me. many times I really felt that my heart was still where it was at 16, where it was these things that are true and old and familiar and comforting that keep you and sustain you, but at times now I dont even know where my heart is anymore.. and its a really scary thing. I know I havent been writing in this space for the longest time ever (no I dont have some other lj nor am i locking posts) but I just felt like i couldnt seem to find the courage to be honest with myself anymore. just seems to stand that at times when you dont say things out loud you dont have to hear them, and when you dont have to write it out, of how you feel in black and white perhaps you might almost begin to convince yourself that you dont have to feel it either. and I'll take this emptiness over its reverse any day. I guess its not so much of self-denial, than that of my own way of self-protection. but anyway. I'm glad our last day today ended the way it did, going out as a class after the paper for dinner (last day, first time) with the exception of the chalet and random (compulsory) class events and going back with rachellll after stopping to get our usual yami yoghurt :) Gonna miss our yami yoghurt days after school, after fencing & today marks the last yoghurt outing after school officially, last time in our uniforms hm. well but I guess when it comes to the end of things letting go is always hard, (no matter how little or much these things meant) but there always has to be ends for there to be beginnings yes and perhaps this is the part when we step into the unknown that it really means to trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Tomorrow, will be the first day in a long long time when I wont have to set an alarm to wake up at some unearthly hour to sit in a dazed and painful reality with my horrible books and there are many things to do and I've promised promised promised myself that I owe it so much to myself to start life anew, bravely and properly. cant wait to learn driving with suz, cant wait for steamboat, cant wait to see twin and best friend, cant wait for sleepover and there are many many things to do and many reasons not to look back. maybe. just maybe things will be okay afterall :) |
